Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Bundle of Joy and Barrage of Emotions
On 11-26-12 my beautiful son was born! I'll share the birth story here since it amuses me and I love having a platform I can share all the gory details of my life on. :-p
Let me backtrack to about a week before. I went in to the hospital with heart palpitations. The ER sent me to labor and delivery first since I was breathing ok, to get the baby checked out. Turns out I was having some contractions, baby was doing great... back to the ER. One chest X-ray, labs, and EKG later and the cardiologist comes to tell me I'm ok. It's most likely pregnancy related and to follow up with my PCP if it continues after I deliver. As he's talking to me, I feel a gush "down there" and a HUGE contraction hits. I'm shipped back to L&D.
Back in L&D they check me and I'm bleeding quite a bit. More than they were happy with. The baby is still doing fine, and my contractions had picked up quite a bit. They call the doctor on call at my midwife's office. So they decide to admit me, for what I assume was for observation due to the bleeding.
I got passed around to a couple of nurses and ended up with an RN I'll call Judy. She told me I was in active labor. E and I were so excited. To make a long story short, I ended up with an epidural and pitocen. My contractions slowed. I was passed off to another RN. She broke it to me, I was not progressing and judging from the contractions I was having, I was not in labor. So for whatever reason, Judy falsified my medical records and told my midwife I was laboring, and caused me and my baby to have invasive interventions that were totally medically un-needed.
26 hours of no sleep and nearly 24 hours with no food. I was sent home and the next day I filed a report against Judy. Thank God my baby handled the hours and hours of random contractions so well.
So fast forward to the 26th of November. I was having contractions during the day, but nothing noteworthy. E was working from home and by the time he was finishing up, my contractions had become more regular and more painful. I told E and we decided to eat a light dinner, then I'd shower, then we'd take T to my mother-in-law's house, then go to the hospital.
Once we get to the hospital, my contractions are about every 4-5 minutes. Mostly in my back though. I was taken to the triage area and monitored. I wasn't dilated enough for them to admit me, so they asked if I wanted to walk around a bit since the baby was doing great. I agreed that it was a good idea, so off E and I went to walk around the unit.
Within about 10 minutes, my contractions were so bad I couldn't talk. So back to the triage area to get checked again. I was 6cm dilated and 90% effaced at that time. They started the admission process. I got my IV for the epidural.
The contractions were so bad. All back labor. I was crying out in pain and by the time they got me to a room, I could hardly talk at all. E was visibly stressed out, seeing me in so much pain. It was seriously the worst pain I'd ever experienced.
They decided to go ahead and all the anesthesiologist before my labwork came in because I was in so much pain. When she finally arrived she asked the nurse to check me before she gave me the epidural. I was now 9cm and fully effaced. That's when the anesthesiologist informed me that it was too late for the epidural. I was too dilated. I burst into fresh tears and begged for something... ANYTHING to take the edge off the pain. It was then that my water broke.
Now, I've heard that when the bag of waters breaks it can feel like a trickle or a little gush. Right. Mine exploded during a contraction. I swear it sprayed a good three feet. Everyone in the room just stopped, a little surprised I guess. The anesthesiologist grabbed her cart and practically ran out of the room.
I had the urge to push immediately after my water broke. The nurse told me not to push, but my body had other ideas. My midwife wasn't there yet, so because I had such a strong urge to push, they brought in a doctor who happened to be on the floor at the time. No sooner had he put on his gloves and gown was the baby crowning.
I pushed for about ten minutes and our baby J was born! 20.5 inches long and 8lbs 6oz! His little face was swollen and bruised from his fast entrance to the world, but he was fine otherwise! :-)
I had planned to breastfeed for the first two weeks to a month. But within 12 hours of giving birth, my emotions went haywire. I was crying over everything, anxious, my mood was changing rapidly. I was so frustrated and sad that once again, it didn't look as though I'd be able to nurse my child.
E and I discussed my situation, and then talked it over with the nurse. It was decided that I'd call my psychiatrist and get back on my meds immediately.
Once we got home the anxiety went sky high. I was having massive panic attacks on top of being weepy. My OCD started manifesting itself. I was exhausted and overwhelmed.
I had flashbacks of the pediatric code I worked in nursing school. A baby who was only a few days old, most likely SIDS. I obsessed over it. Checking J every hour or so at night, just to watch him breathe.
Then I read that women with bi-polar disorder were more likely to be diagnosed with post-partum psychosis. That really scared me. To the point of not wanting to be left alone with J at all.
Within a week of being back on my meds, I felt much better. I was in close contact with my psychiatrist and had lots of support from family.
I'm still a little sad that I wasn't able to nurse beyond that first day, but I know my health is important too. If I'm not ok, there is no way I could take care of J and T (who loves being a big sister, BTW). Mental illness and pregnancy are not friends. But I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat!
Friday, November 2, 2012
So close... so far...
Things have been difficult. There are so many little issues, a few bigger issues... it just seems overwhelming for me right now. I cannot wait to get back on my meds so my mind will stop racing and the thoughts will become more coherent.
The largest issue we're dealing with right now is my daughter. T is a good kid. She's empathetic and smart as a whip. But she has some behavioral issues. I've caught her in lies (little silly lies, but in my mind, lying is lying), she gets in trouble and she shows shame for having been caught but not for having done something wrong, she throws tantrums (not often, they have lessened in frequency).
I'm at my wits end because grounding only works to an extent, restricting privileges has little to no effect, and taking away personal belongings does diddly squat. I've had her reading books and writing book reports to keep her busy during her grounding. She'll be writing an essay this weekend (got grounded for lying) on why she is in trouble and things she can do to avoid it in the future.
She's no longer allowed to play on the computer or watch TV (unless we have family "Once" night or a movie night). They cause her too much distraction and cause all her chores and whatnot to suffer. Even when she had an allotted media time she would be unable to concentrate on her chores. Her concentration is better when she's just not allowed to watch TV or play video games at all.
I want her to have a good work ethic. But she rushes through chores in order to be able to play. But if she does her chores wrong then she has to start over and do it again. It must be done right or she cannot go out to play.
The thing that gets me is that she knows how to do her chores right. She's so very capable of doing them correctly. But she has such difficulty getting motivated and staying on task, so her chores are often done sloppily and with attitude.
We don't give her many chores (unless she's grounded). She's expected to keep her bathroom and bedroom tidy, cleaning them thoroughly once a week. She must empty the dishwasher and put the clean dishes away, as well as clear the table after dinner and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher (I clean while I cook, so she mainly just has the dishes we use to eat). She must clean her hamster cage weekly and clean the cat box daily (I help with the cat boxes when I'm not pregnant). I help her bathe the dog and the cat weekly. Yes, we bathe the cat. He's ancient and unless we bathe him, he snows dander like crazy. Yuck!
I feel like, at ten, she is more than able to keep these chores and do them well. If she shows interest in learning something new, I teach her. She wanted to be able to do her own laundry, so we taught her how to sort and wash and dry her clothes. We spend time in the kitchen, learning how to read recipes because she loves to help me with dinner. It is so important for her to learn to be self-sufficient as she gets older. I want her to be equipped with these skills so that when its time for her to be on her own *sob* she's able to take care of herself and her home.
There are so many teaching moments during the day, I hope I'm taking advantage of them effectively. I hope our lessons are sinking in.
I've discussed all my concerns with her pediatrician. We did a somewhat informal test for ADD/ADHD and the results were somewhat "inconclusive". She isn't ADHD, but she might be ADD, and there were some indications of depression.
She's been through a lot for a child. Issues dealing with feeling abandoned by her birth dad. He cancelled his weekends with her on a regular basis, leaving me to give her the news and scrambling to find a way to explain why he wasn't coming. We now leave what weekends he wants up to him. He has to call by Tuesday and let us know he'd like to spend time with her. That way, we can make plans for the weekends if we don't hear from him, and he can stop cancelling because he'd rather do something else.
She knows she isn't his first priority by his actions. When she's with him, she spends the majority of her time in her room, alone. She feels like she's a bother and she feels very lonely when she's with him. He yells at her for every little thing she does wrong and she feels scared to talk to him, for fear of being yelled at. His wife tried to stand up for her once and T overheard their conversation. The wife asked him why he yelled at her so much and asked him why he doesn't yell at her like he does at T. He responded that the wife was "too pretty to yell at". That crushed T. The wife wasn't yelled at because she is "too pretty"? Did that mean T wasn't pretty? That if she was prettier, her dad wouldn't yell at her? It broke my heart when T told me all this.
I can tell she's angry with her dad for being so absent. The only birthday party (yes, I have invited him to them all) that he attended was right after M died. I think he came out of guilt. He is made aware of all school functions, parent/teacher meetings, and class performances. Never has he attended. Even when she's asked him to. I have even mentioned how I needed to let him know about the parent/teacher meeting and T said, "Why? It's not like he'll come".
She feels abandoned by M. Emotionally neglected. At first things were great, before he started drinking. Then he just withdrew and there wasn't much I thought I could do because I was trying to work to keep a roof over our heads. I failed her a lot during that time, and I have sat her down and apologized for not protecting her the way I should have.
She felt extreme guilt after M's death. Thinking she could or should have done something that day. We've had to work through that, letting her know there was nothing she could have done. How was a 7 year old to know what was going on? But I think there are still some issues she hasn't dealt with in regards to the events surrounding his death.
Then my health started to suffer. It started before M died, but was pretty consistently bad until after E and I married and I was able to see specialists and get diagnosed. I'm sure seeing me in pain was hard on her. I was the center of her world and she had lost so much. I know she was scared of losing me. I didn't tell her about my emergency appendectomy until after the surgery (she was with her dad's parents the weekend it happened). I didn't want to worry her unnecessarily.
It was tough when I broke my foot (one broken bone and two fractured ones). I was laid up and in pain for months. I wasn't able to do all the things I wanted to do with her. This happened right after M died and right before the appendix thing.
Then the all over pain and aches started. Getting out of bed was a struggle. The fatigue was incredible. This was also when my bi-polar started really coming to a head. I also developed a life-threatening allergy to a food additive that sent me to the ER several times with anaphylactic shock until we narrowed the cause down.
T took it upon herself to take the role of caregiver. A role I tried my best to deter her from. Letting her know it wasn't her job to care for me. Her job was to be a kid, play, go to school, do her chores. But she fought me on it every step of the way. I allowed her to become my "Ingredient Checker". She would read ingredients to see if the suspected allergen was in any of the food we bought. This helped put her mind at ease and gave her a small amount of care-giving that she desired.
I know adjusting to life with E was hard too. She wanted to just love him right away. But it was hard for her to feel really at ease with their relationship until just recently. She had to see if he was going to accept her fully before she accepted him.
E went out of his way to show her his commitment to being a good dad. He bought her a new bed and had her bedroom painted the color of her choice before we moved in. He felt it was important she have a cozy bedroom right off the bat. A place of her own with things she helped pick out. He helps with her homework and encourages family game nights. He is always receptive to her hugs and always returns her "I love yous". He attends school functions with us and (if work allows) has come to meet-the-teacher nights or parent/teacher meetings. He has helped make the past two birthdays super special.
I think the stability we've been able to provide her has helped her a lot. But I know there are still some things that bother her, things from her past and her relationship with her dad.
We've talked with her and in collaboration with her doctor, have decided a more thorough evaluation is needed as well as some counseling. Now we just have to put her on our insurance since the insurance her dad provides has got be to the shittiest insurance available. THAT is a whole other issue.
There is much more I want to write about, but today is a half day and I have to go get the kiddo from school. :)
The largest issue we're dealing with right now is my daughter. T is a good kid. She's empathetic and smart as a whip. But she has some behavioral issues. I've caught her in lies (little silly lies, but in my mind, lying is lying), she gets in trouble and she shows shame for having been caught but not for having done something wrong, she throws tantrums (not often, they have lessened in frequency).
I'm at my wits end because grounding only works to an extent, restricting privileges has little to no effect, and taking away personal belongings does diddly squat. I've had her reading books and writing book reports to keep her busy during her grounding. She'll be writing an essay this weekend (got grounded for lying) on why she is in trouble and things she can do to avoid it in the future.
She's no longer allowed to play on the computer or watch TV (unless we have family "Once" night or a movie night). They cause her too much distraction and cause all her chores and whatnot to suffer. Even when she had an allotted media time she would be unable to concentrate on her chores. Her concentration is better when she's just not allowed to watch TV or play video games at all.
I want her to have a good work ethic. But she rushes through chores in order to be able to play. But if she does her chores wrong then she has to start over and do it again. It must be done right or she cannot go out to play.
The thing that gets me is that she knows how to do her chores right. She's so very capable of doing them correctly. But she has such difficulty getting motivated and staying on task, so her chores are often done sloppily and with attitude.
We don't give her many chores (unless she's grounded). She's expected to keep her bathroom and bedroom tidy, cleaning them thoroughly once a week. She must empty the dishwasher and put the clean dishes away, as well as clear the table after dinner and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher (I clean while I cook, so she mainly just has the dishes we use to eat). She must clean her hamster cage weekly and clean the cat box daily (I help with the cat boxes when I'm not pregnant). I help her bathe the dog and the cat weekly. Yes, we bathe the cat. He's ancient and unless we bathe him, he snows dander like crazy. Yuck!
I feel like, at ten, she is more than able to keep these chores and do them well. If she shows interest in learning something new, I teach her. She wanted to be able to do her own laundry, so we taught her how to sort and wash and dry her clothes. We spend time in the kitchen, learning how to read recipes because she loves to help me with dinner. It is so important for her to learn to be self-sufficient as she gets older. I want her to be equipped with these skills so that when its time for her to be on her own *sob* she's able to take care of herself and her home.
There are so many teaching moments during the day, I hope I'm taking advantage of them effectively. I hope our lessons are sinking in.
I've discussed all my concerns with her pediatrician. We did a somewhat informal test for ADD/ADHD and the results were somewhat "inconclusive". She isn't ADHD, but she might be ADD, and there were some indications of depression.
She's been through a lot for a child. Issues dealing with feeling abandoned by her birth dad. He cancelled his weekends with her on a regular basis, leaving me to give her the news and scrambling to find a way to explain why he wasn't coming. We now leave what weekends he wants up to him. He has to call by Tuesday and let us know he'd like to spend time with her. That way, we can make plans for the weekends if we don't hear from him, and he can stop cancelling because he'd rather do something else.
She knows she isn't his first priority by his actions. When she's with him, she spends the majority of her time in her room, alone. She feels like she's a bother and she feels very lonely when she's with him. He yells at her for every little thing she does wrong and she feels scared to talk to him, for fear of being yelled at. His wife tried to stand up for her once and T overheard their conversation. The wife asked him why he yelled at her so much and asked him why he doesn't yell at her like he does at T. He responded that the wife was "too pretty to yell at". That crushed T. The wife wasn't yelled at because she is "too pretty"? Did that mean T wasn't pretty? That if she was prettier, her dad wouldn't yell at her? It broke my heart when T told me all this.
I can tell she's angry with her dad for being so absent. The only birthday party (yes, I have invited him to them all) that he attended was right after M died. I think he came out of guilt. He is made aware of all school functions, parent/teacher meetings, and class performances. Never has he attended. Even when she's asked him to. I have even mentioned how I needed to let him know about the parent/teacher meeting and T said, "Why? It's not like he'll come".
She feels abandoned by M. Emotionally neglected. At first things were great, before he started drinking. Then he just withdrew and there wasn't much I thought I could do because I was trying to work to keep a roof over our heads. I failed her a lot during that time, and I have sat her down and apologized for not protecting her the way I should have.
She felt extreme guilt after M's death. Thinking she could or should have done something that day. We've had to work through that, letting her know there was nothing she could have done. How was a 7 year old to know what was going on? But I think there are still some issues she hasn't dealt with in regards to the events surrounding his death.
Then my health started to suffer. It started before M died, but was pretty consistently bad until after E and I married and I was able to see specialists and get diagnosed. I'm sure seeing me in pain was hard on her. I was the center of her world and she had lost so much. I know she was scared of losing me. I didn't tell her about my emergency appendectomy until after the surgery (she was with her dad's parents the weekend it happened). I didn't want to worry her unnecessarily.
It was tough when I broke my foot (one broken bone and two fractured ones). I was laid up and in pain for months. I wasn't able to do all the things I wanted to do with her. This happened right after M died and right before the appendix thing.
Then the all over pain and aches started. Getting out of bed was a struggle. The fatigue was incredible. This was also when my bi-polar started really coming to a head. I also developed a life-threatening allergy to a food additive that sent me to the ER several times with anaphylactic shock until we narrowed the cause down.
T took it upon herself to take the role of caregiver. A role I tried my best to deter her from. Letting her know it wasn't her job to care for me. Her job was to be a kid, play, go to school, do her chores. But she fought me on it every step of the way. I allowed her to become my "Ingredient Checker". She would read ingredients to see if the suspected allergen was in any of the food we bought. This helped put her mind at ease and gave her a small amount of care-giving that she desired.
I know adjusting to life with E was hard too. She wanted to just love him right away. But it was hard for her to feel really at ease with their relationship until just recently. She had to see if he was going to accept her fully before she accepted him.
E went out of his way to show her his commitment to being a good dad. He bought her a new bed and had her bedroom painted the color of her choice before we moved in. He felt it was important she have a cozy bedroom right off the bat. A place of her own with things she helped pick out. He helps with her homework and encourages family game nights. He is always receptive to her hugs and always returns her "I love yous". He attends school functions with us and (if work allows) has come to meet-the-teacher nights or parent/teacher meetings. He has helped make the past two birthdays super special.
I think the stability we've been able to provide her has helped her a lot. But I know there are still some things that bother her, things from her past and her relationship with her dad.
We've talked with her and in collaboration with her doctor, have decided a more thorough evaluation is needed as well as some counseling. Now we just have to put her on our insurance since the insurance her dad provides has got be to the shittiest insurance available. THAT is a whole other issue.
There is much more I want to write about, but today is a half day and I have to go get the kiddo from school. :)
Monday, October 1, 2012
Struggling
I need to find a therapist. I stopped going to mine because I just wasn't crazy about his style.
I'm really struggling these past few days. Little things and not so little things are just eating away at me. I wish I could put negative thoughts out of my brain, but the way I'm wired, I just dwell on them. Then they eat away at me and I find myself crying in bed in a fetal position.
The pregnancy could have something to do with it. I'm 7 1/2 months and uncomfortable as it is. The lyrica isn't helping much with the pain and stiffness anymore, and I really don't want to up the dose. Being off my meds has been relatively easy as far as my bi-polar disorder goes. But I knew it was only a matter of time before I hit a wall. About once a year I have an episode of depression. On meds it's just a few days of feeling blue. Off meds it can spiral downward pretty fast.
I'm trying to use my coping skills. My unborn son and my daughter are what keep my mind from going towards my old "coping" mechanism of self harm. They are my reasons for staying strong because I am responsible for them.
But it's harder to stop the sadness from creeping in. I can control my thoughts, but it's harder to take control of my emotions. Sometimes a good cry is all I need.
I have so much to do today but because of one incident, I can't find the motivation to get into the shower. I'm scared to go to the store because I'm worried that I'll burst into tears for no reason while I'm there.
So this is what I need to do today. I'm going to do everything I can without leaving the house. Even if it takes me until I have to pick T up from school. I have to feel like I've accomplished something, when all I want to do is nothing. I have to push myself or else I'll just lie in bed and have a pity party.
One day at a time...
I'm really struggling these past few days. Little things and not so little things are just eating away at me. I wish I could put negative thoughts out of my brain, but the way I'm wired, I just dwell on them. Then they eat away at me and I find myself crying in bed in a fetal position.
The pregnancy could have something to do with it. I'm 7 1/2 months and uncomfortable as it is. The lyrica isn't helping much with the pain and stiffness anymore, and I really don't want to up the dose. Being off my meds has been relatively easy as far as my bi-polar disorder goes. But I knew it was only a matter of time before I hit a wall. About once a year I have an episode of depression. On meds it's just a few days of feeling blue. Off meds it can spiral downward pretty fast.
I'm trying to use my coping skills. My unborn son and my daughter are what keep my mind from going towards my old "coping" mechanism of self harm. They are my reasons for staying strong because I am responsible for them.
But it's harder to stop the sadness from creeping in. I can control my thoughts, but it's harder to take control of my emotions. Sometimes a good cry is all I need.
I have so much to do today but because of one incident, I can't find the motivation to get into the shower. I'm scared to go to the store because I'm worried that I'll burst into tears for no reason while I'm there.
So this is what I need to do today. I'm going to do everything I can without leaving the house. Even if it takes me until I have to pick T up from school. I have to feel like I've accomplished something, when all I want to do is nothing. I have to push myself or else I'll just lie in bed and have a pity party.
One day at a time...
Friday, September 28, 2012
Annoyed today.
I just don't understand people. Myself included. Because I'm severely annoyed today by such a little thing, and I'm not sure if I'm justified or if it is because I'm off my meds and overly emotional.
The anniversary of M's death was yesterday. That fact lingered in the back of my mind all day, but it didn't really affect the way my day went. I took a few moments to think about the good times we had. But since his grave is so far away, I didn't get the chance to visit (maybe tomorrow). It's kind of a tradition to visit on the day he passed and his birthday.
So I wake up this morning, grumpy for whatever reason. His brother, B, posts on FB about going out and drinking last night... to remember M. This got to me. B and I have had numerous talks about how he drinks too much and M was an alcoholic, etc. So I simply and I think, kindly, expressed my annoyance that he would go drinking that night all things considering.
So their grandpa then defends his drinking. I was a little annoyed by that... and I guess I still am. That side of the family has a long history of alcoholism. I can't help but wonder how much M's parents enabled him when he lived with them. The way they enable B.
I know I need to just step back and let B do what he wants. But I feel I would be failing M and all his concerns that he had for B if I didn't say anything. I care for B. He's the brother I never had.
I can't give it too much headspace or it'll eat me up. I have a family to care for. All I can do now is step back and let B do his thing, but let him know that I love him and I'll be here for him if/when he wants to get help.
The anniversary of M's death was yesterday. That fact lingered in the back of my mind all day, but it didn't really affect the way my day went. I took a few moments to think about the good times we had. But since his grave is so far away, I didn't get the chance to visit (maybe tomorrow). It's kind of a tradition to visit on the day he passed and his birthday.
So I wake up this morning, grumpy for whatever reason. His brother, B, posts on FB about going out and drinking last night... to remember M. This got to me. B and I have had numerous talks about how he drinks too much and M was an alcoholic, etc. So I simply and I think, kindly, expressed my annoyance that he would go drinking that night all things considering.
So their grandpa then defends his drinking. I was a little annoyed by that... and I guess I still am. That side of the family has a long history of alcoholism. I can't help but wonder how much M's parents enabled him when he lived with them. The way they enable B.
I know I need to just step back and let B do what he wants. But I feel I would be failing M and all his concerns that he had for B if I didn't say anything. I care for B. He's the brother I never had.
I can't give it too much headspace or it'll eat me up. I have a family to care for. All I can do now is step back and let B do his thing, but let him know that I love him and I'll be here for him if/when he wants to get help.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Tomorrow...
Tomorrow it will be 2 years since M died.
I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. Relief? Regret? There is a sense of sadness there.
My anxiety has been so high as this day approaches. I keep having flashbacks to the moment I found him. To the feelings I felt when I realized what had happened.
I haven't talked to E about it. I don't know what to say.
I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life right now. I'm married to an incredible man, my daughter is healthy and thriving, I'm pregnant with a beautiful healthy baby, my career looks promising, my health is improving, and I can honestly say I'm where I had hoped I'd be at this stage in my life.
So why am I so anxious?
I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm off all my meds or if it is just because I'm confused about my feelings. Or both.
E was diagnosed recently with high blood pressure and cholesterol. Granted, they aren't HIGH high. He's now on medications and we've already changed our lifestyle to be healthier. So this shouldn't worry me. But M had high BP too. And he died.
I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and checking to make sure E is ok. I have a hard time getting to sleep because I worry about what would happen to T if anything happened to me.
Maybe all my feelings have to do with the fact that I wasn't happy with M. I had started to hate what he had become. I feel guilty because his parents have lost a son, his best friend has become a functioning alcoholic, his brother has fallen deeper into his addictions, and I'm totally happy.
Maybe I'm upset because none of them really understand what he had become the past 6 months of his life. Not that I'd tell them, they deserve to remember him the way they do. It's a small comfort for them. But I KNEW him. I knew he was a raging alcoholic, he was becoming increasingly abusive towards me, he was depressed and lazy. I knew all this and I couldn't change it. I was struggling to provide for my daughter while formulating a way to get out. I had to protect her.
After I got over my grief and the anger that followed, I saw what state my life had been in. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.
I need my support group tonight. I just need to vocalize what I'm feeling to people who aren't involved in this.
I also think I just need to take some time to cry. Just let all my feelings of frustration, guilt, and sadness out. Because in the end, I know there was nothing I could do to change him or change the fact that he died. I couldn't save him.
I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. Relief? Regret? There is a sense of sadness there.
My anxiety has been so high as this day approaches. I keep having flashbacks to the moment I found him. To the feelings I felt when I realized what had happened.
I haven't talked to E about it. I don't know what to say.
I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life right now. I'm married to an incredible man, my daughter is healthy and thriving, I'm pregnant with a beautiful healthy baby, my career looks promising, my health is improving, and I can honestly say I'm where I had hoped I'd be at this stage in my life.
So why am I so anxious?
I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm off all my meds or if it is just because I'm confused about my feelings. Or both.
E was diagnosed recently with high blood pressure and cholesterol. Granted, they aren't HIGH high. He's now on medications and we've already changed our lifestyle to be healthier. So this shouldn't worry me. But M had high BP too. And he died.
I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and checking to make sure E is ok. I have a hard time getting to sleep because I worry about what would happen to T if anything happened to me.
Maybe all my feelings have to do with the fact that I wasn't happy with M. I had started to hate what he had become. I feel guilty because his parents have lost a son, his best friend has become a functioning alcoholic, his brother has fallen deeper into his addictions, and I'm totally happy.
Maybe I'm upset because none of them really understand what he had become the past 6 months of his life. Not that I'd tell them, they deserve to remember him the way they do. It's a small comfort for them. But I KNEW him. I knew he was a raging alcoholic, he was becoming increasingly abusive towards me, he was depressed and lazy. I knew all this and I couldn't change it. I was struggling to provide for my daughter while formulating a way to get out. I had to protect her.
After I got over my grief and the anger that followed, I saw what state my life had been in. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.
I need my support group tonight. I just need to vocalize what I'm feeling to people who aren't involved in this.
I also think I just need to take some time to cry. Just let all my feelings of frustration, guilt, and sadness out. Because in the end, I know there was nothing I could do to change him or change the fact that he died. I couldn't save him.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Trials and Tribulations
This pregnancy has taken a lot out of me. Being off all my medications has been harder than I thought. Though with the support system I have, I've been doing better than I had hoped.
I will be 29 weeks on Wednesday. I'm in my third trimester! It hasn't been an easy road.
A week ago I had to go to labor and delivery because I was having contractions that were fairly frequent. It was so scary! They ran some tests which came back negative (good thing), and found out that I've dilated one centimeter. I was put on bedrest and sent home.
Last week I saw my OB (about 4 days after my L&D stint). I had an ultrasound done and even though I'm dilated, my cervix still looks good. My baby boy is growing right on schedule. My OB took me off bedrest as he doesn't believe that it helps prevent pre-term labor. I agree... all the medical journals and papers I've read on the subject lean towards bedrest not being an effective treatment in preventing pre-term labor.
I'm still having contractions, mostly in the evening. A friend of mine suggested that I could be having prodromal labor. After doing some research, I'd have to agree. I'll talk with my OB about it next week.
All this, combined with the stress from one of my jobs, was making me extremely emotional. I was being irritable and weepy and I just felt like I couldn't control it.
E and I sat down and talked about my options right now. We decided that quitting the offending job would alleviate a good deal of the stress. So I did. I have to admit, once I turned in my letter of resignation, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
So here I am. Pregnant, mostly med free, and hoping my baby will stay put for a while longer. :)
I will be 29 weeks on Wednesday. I'm in my third trimester! It hasn't been an easy road.
A week ago I had to go to labor and delivery because I was having contractions that were fairly frequent. It was so scary! They ran some tests which came back negative (good thing), and found out that I've dilated one centimeter. I was put on bedrest and sent home.
Last week I saw my OB (about 4 days after my L&D stint). I had an ultrasound done and even though I'm dilated, my cervix still looks good. My baby boy is growing right on schedule. My OB took me off bedrest as he doesn't believe that it helps prevent pre-term labor. I agree... all the medical journals and papers I've read on the subject lean towards bedrest not being an effective treatment in preventing pre-term labor.
I'm still having contractions, mostly in the evening. A friend of mine suggested that I could be having prodromal labor. After doing some research, I'd have to agree. I'll talk with my OB about it next week.
All this, combined with the stress from one of my jobs, was making me extremely emotional. I was being irritable and weepy and I just felt like I couldn't control it.
E and I sat down and talked about my options right now. We decided that quitting the offending job would alleviate a good deal of the stress. So I did. I have to admit, once I turned in my letter of resignation, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
So here I am. Pregnant, mostly med free, and hoping my baby will stay put for a while longer. :)
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
I have HOW many more weeks to go?!?
Tomorrow I will be 26 weeks. 6 and a half months. I have about 99 more days to go.
Why do I feel like I'm 12 months pregnant?
My rheumatologist has put me back on 100mg of Lyrica. My pain has been at an all time high. I had a flare up right after my husband and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. At least our anniversary was incredible. :)
My psychiatrist is thinking about putting me back on my Cymbalta. Not too happy about that, but my anxiety has been horrible. I see her next week and we'll decide then.
I haven't been able to work much, but I'm doing what I can and taking on easy patients. I want to feel that I'm contributing to the household.
There isn't much to report. Which I guess can be a good thing. The old adage, "No news is good news". :) I'll be eagerly counting down the days until our son is born. I can't wait to meet him! <3 p="p">
Why do I feel like I'm 12 months pregnant?
My rheumatologist has put me back on 100mg of Lyrica. My pain has been at an all time high. I had a flare up right after my husband and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. At least our anniversary was incredible. :)
My psychiatrist is thinking about putting me back on my Cymbalta. Not too happy about that, but my anxiety has been horrible. I see her next week and we'll decide then.
I haven't been able to work much, but I'm doing what I can and taking on easy patients. I want to feel that I'm contributing to the household.
There isn't much to report. Which I guess can be a good thing. The old adage, "No news is good news". :) I'll be eagerly counting down the days until our son is born. I can't wait to meet him! <3 p="p">
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