Annoyed today.

   I just don't understand people. Myself included. Because I'm severely annoyed today by such a little thing, and I'm not sure if I'm justified or if it is because I'm off my meds and overly emotional.
   The anniversary of M's death was yesterday. That fact lingered in the back of my mind all day, but it didn't really affect the way my day went. I took a few moments to think about the good times we had. But since his grave is so far away, I didn't get the chance to visit (maybe tomorrow). It's kind of a tradition to visit on the day he passed and his birthday.
   So I wake up this morning, grumpy for whatever reason. His brother, B, posts on FB about going out and drinking last night... to remember M. This got to me. B and I have had numerous talks about how he drinks too much and M was an alcoholic, etc. So I simply and I think, kindly, expressed my annoyance that he would go drinking that night all things considering.
  So their grandpa then defends his drinking. I was a little annoyed by that... and I guess I still am. That side of the family has a long history of alcoholism. I can't help but wonder how much M's parents enabled him when he lived with them. The way they enable B.
   I know I need to just step back and let B do what he wants. But I feel I would be failing M and all his concerns that he had for B if I didn't say anything. I care for B. He's the brother I never had.
   I can't give it too much headspace or it'll eat me up. I have a family to care for. All I can do now is step back and let B do his thing, but let him know that I love him and I'll be here for him if/when he wants to get help.

Tomorrow...

    Tomorrow it will be 2 years since M died.
    I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. Relief? Regret? There is a sense of sadness there.
    My anxiety has been so high as this day approaches. I keep having flashbacks to the moment I found him. To the feelings I felt when I realized what had happened.
    I haven't talked to E about it. I don't know what to say.
    I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life right now. I'm married to an incredible man, my daughter is healthy and thriving, I'm pregnant with a beautiful healthy baby, my career looks promising, my health is improving, and I can honestly say I'm where I had hoped I'd be at this stage in my life.
   So why am I so anxious?
   I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm off all my meds or if it is just because I'm confused about my feelings. Or both.
   E was diagnosed recently with high blood pressure and cholesterol. Granted, they aren't HIGH high. He's now on medications and we've already changed our lifestyle to be healthier. So this shouldn't worry me. But M had high BP too. And he died.
   I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and checking to make sure E is ok. I have a hard time getting to sleep because I worry about what would happen to T if anything happened to me.
   Maybe all my feelings have to do with the fact that I wasn't happy with M. I had started to hate what he had become. I feel guilty because his parents have lost a son, his best friend has become a functioning alcoholic, his brother has fallen deeper into his addictions, and I'm totally happy.
   Maybe I'm upset because none of them really understand what he had become the past 6 months of his life. Not that I'd tell them, they deserve to remember him the way they do. It's a small comfort for them. But I KNEW him. I knew he was a raging alcoholic, he was becoming increasingly abusive towards me, he was depressed and lazy. I knew all this and I couldn't change it. I was struggling to provide for my daughter while formulating a way to get out. I had to protect her.
   After I got over my grief and the anger that followed, I saw what state my life had been in. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.
   I need my support group tonight. I just need to vocalize what I'm feeling to people who aren't involved in this.
   I also think I just need to take some time to cry. Just let all my feelings of frustration, guilt, and sadness out. Because in the end, I know there was nothing I could do to change him or change the fact that he died. I couldn't save him.

Trials and Tribulations

    This pregnancy has taken a lot out of me. Being off all my medications has been harder than I thought. Though with the support system I have, I've been doing better than I had hoped.
    I will be 29 weeks on Wednesday. I'm in my third trimester! It hasn't been an easy road.
    A week ago I had to go to labor and delivery because I was having contractions that were fairly frequent. It was so scary! They ran some tests which came back negative (good thing), and found out that I've dilated one centimeter. I was put on bedrest and sent home.
   Last week I saw my OB (about 4 days after my L&D stint). I had an ultrasound done and even though I'm dilated, my cervix still looks good. My baby boy is growing right on schedule. My OB took me off bedrest as he doesn't believe that it helps prevent pre-term labor. I agree... all the medical journals and papers I've read on the subject lean towards bedrest not being an effective treatment in preventing pre-term labor.
   I'm still having contractions, mostly in the evening. A friend of mine suggested that I could be having prodromal labor. After doing some research, I'd have to agree. I'll talk with my OB about it next week.
   All this, combined with the stress from one of my jobs, was making me extremely emotional. I was being irritable and weepy and I just felt like I couldn't control it.
   E and I sat down and talked about my options right now. We decided that quitting the offending job would alleviate a good deal of the stress. So I did. I have to admit, once I turned in my letter of resignation, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
   So here I am. Pregnant, mostly med free, and hoping my baby will stay put for a while longer. :)