Things have been difficult. There are so many little issues, a few bigger issues... it just seems overwhelming for me right now. I cannot wait to get back on my meds so my mind will stop racing and the thoughts will become more coherent.
The largest issue we're dealing with right now is my daughter. T is a good kid. She's empathetic and smart as a whip. But she has some behavioral issues. I've caught her in lies (little silly lies, but in my mind, lying is lying), she gets in trouble and she shows shame for having been caught but not for having done something wrong, she throws tantrums (not often, they have lessened in frequency).
I'm at my wits end because grounding only works to an extent, restricting privileges has little to no effect, and taking away personal belongings does diddly squat. I've had her reading books and writing book reports to keep her busy during her grounding. She'll be writing an essay this weekend (got grounded for lying) on why she is in trouble and things she can do to avoid it in the future.
She's no longer allowed to play on the computer or watch TV (unless we have family "Once" night or a movie night). They cause her too much distraction and cause all her chores and whatnot to suffer. Even when she had an allotted media time she would be unable to concentrate on her chores. Her concentration is better when she's just not allowed to watch TV or play video games at all.
I want her to have a good work ethic. But she rushes through chores in order to be able to play. But if she does her chores wrong then she has to start over and do it again. It must be done right or she cannot go out to play.
The thing that gets me is that she knows how to do her chores right. She's so very capable of doing them correctly. But she has such difficulty getting motivated and staying on task, so her chores are often done sloppily and with attitude.
We don't give her many chores (unless she's grounded). She's expected to keep her bathroom and bedroom tidy, cleaning them thoroughly once a week. She must empty the dishwasher and put the clean dishes away, as well as clear the table after dinner and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher (I clean while I cook, so she mainly just has the dishes we use to eat). She must clean her hamster cage weekly and clean the cat box daily (I help with the cat boxes when I'm not pregnant). I help her bathe the dog and the cat weekly. Yes, we bathe the cat. He's ancient and unless we bathe him, he snows dander like crazy. Yuck!
I feel like, at ten, she is more than able to keep these chores and do them well. If she shows interest in learning something new, I teach her. She wanted to be able to do her own laundry, so we taught her how to sort and wash and dry her clothes. We spend time in the kitchen, learning how to read recipes because she loves to help me with dinner. It is so important for her to learn to be self-sufficient as she gets older. I want her to be equipped with these skills so that when its time for her to be on her own *sob* she's able to take care of herself and her home.
There are so many teaching moments during the day, I hope I'm taking advantage of them effectively. I hope our lessons are sinking in.
I've discussed all my concerns with her pediatrician. We did a somewhat informal test for ADD/ADHD and the results were somewhat "inconclusive". She isn't ADHD, but she might be ADD, and there were some indications of depression.
She's been through a lot for a child. Issues dealing with feeling abandoned by her birth dad. He cancelled his weekends with her on a regular basis, leaving me to give her the news and scrambling to find a way to explain why he wasn't coming. We now leave what weekends he wants up to him. He has to call by Tuesday and let us know he'd like to spend time with her. That way, we can make plans for the weekends if we don't hear from him, and he can stop cancelling because he'd rather do something else.
She knows she isn't his first priority by his actions. When she's with him, she spends the majority of her time in her room, alone. She feels like she's a bother and she feels very lonely when she's with him. He yells at her for every little thing she does wrong and she feels scared to talk to him, for fear of being yelled at. His wife tried to stand up for her once and T overheard their conversation. The wife asked him why he yelled at her so much and asked him why he doesn't yell at her like he does at T. He responded that the wife was "too pretty to yell at". That crushed T. The wife wasn't yelled at because she is "too pretty"? Did that mean T wasn't pretty? That if she was prettier, her dad wouldn't yell at her? It broke my heart when T told me all this.
I can tell she's angry with her dad for being so absent. The only birthday party (yes, I have invited him to them all) that he attended was right after M died. I think he came out of guilt. He is made aware of all school functions, parent/teacher meetings, and class performances. Never has he attended. Even when she's asked him to. I have even mentioned how I needed to let him know about the parent/teacher meeting and T said, "Why? It's not like he'll come".
She feels abandoned by M. Emotionally neglected. At first things were great, before he started drinking. Then he just withdrew and there wasn't much I thought I could do because I was trying to work to keep a roof over our heads. I failed her a lot during that time, and I have sat her down and apologized for not protecting her the way I should have.
She felt extreme guilt after M's death. Thinking she could or should have done something that day. We've had to work through that, letting her know there was nothing she could have done. How was a 7 year old to know what was going on? But I think there are still some issues she hasn't dealt with in regards to the events surrounding his death.
Then my health started to suffer. It started before M died, but was pretty consistently bad until after E and I married and I was able to see specialists and get diagnosed. I'm sure seeing me in pain was hard on her. I was the center of her world and she had lost so much. I know she was scared of losing me. I didn't tell her about my emergency appendectomy until after the surgery (she was with her dad's parents the weekend it happened). I didn't want to worry her unnecessarily.
It was tough when I broke my foot (one broken bone and two fractured ones). I was laid up and in pain for months. I wasn't able to do all the things I wanted to do with her. This happened right after M died and right before the appendix thing.
Then the all over pain and aches started. Getting out of bed was a struggle. The fatigue was incredible. This was also when my bi-polar started really coming to a head. I also developed a life-threatening allergy to a food additive that sent me to the ER several times with anaphylactic shock until we narrowed the cause down.
T took it upon herself to take the role of caregiver. A role I tried my best to deter her from. Letting her know it wasn't her job to care for me. Her job was to be a kid, play, go to school, do her chores. But she fought me on it every step of the way. I allowed her to become my "Ingredient Checker". She would read ingredients to see if the suspected allergen was in any of the food we bought. This helped put her mind at ease and gave her a small amount of care-giving that she desired.
I know adjusting to life with E was hard too. She wanted to just love him right away. But it was hard for her to feel really at ease with their relationship until just recently. She had to see if he was going to accept her fully before she accepted him.
E went out of his way to show her his commitment to being a good dad. He bought her a new bed and had her bedroom painted the color of her choice before we moved in. He felt it was important she have a cozy bedroom right off the bat. A place of her own with things she helped pick out. He helps with her homework and encourages family game nights. He is always receptive to her hugs and always returns her "I love yous". He attends school functions with us and (if work allows) has come to meet-the-teacher nights or parent/teacher meetings. He has helped make the past two birthdays super special.
I think the stability we've been able to provide her has helped her a lot. But I know there are still some things that bother her, things from her past and her relationship with her dad.
We've talked with her and in collaboration with her doctor, have decided a more thorough evaluation is needed as well as some counseling. Now we just have to put her on our insurance since the insurance her dad provides has got be to the shittiest insurance available. THAT is a whole other issue.
There is much more I want to write about, but today is a half day and I have to go get the kiddo from school. :)
