Bundle of Joy and Barrage of Emotions

  On 11-26-12 my beautiful son was born! I'll share the birth story here since it amuses me and I love having a platform I can share all the gory details of my life on. :-p
  Let me backtrack to about a week before. I went in to the hospital with heart palpitations. The ER sent me to labor and delivery first since I was breathing ok, to get the baby checked out. Turns out I was having some contractions, baby was doing great... back to the ER. One chest X-ray, labs, and EKG later and the cardiologist comes to tell me I'm ok. It's most likely pregnancy related and to follow up with my PCP if it continues after I deliver. As he's talking to me, I feel a gush "down there" and a HUGE contraction hits. I'm shipped back to L&D.
   Back in L&D they check me and I'm bleeding quite a bit. More than they were happy with. The baby is still doing fine, and my contractions had picked up quite a bit. They call the doctor on call at my midwife's office. So they decide to admit me, for what I assume was for observation due to the bleeding.
   I got passed around to a couple of nurses and ended up with an RN I'll call Judy. She told me I was in active labor. E and I were so excited. To make a long story short, I ended up with an epidural and pitocen. My contractions slowed. I was passed off to another RN. She broke it to me, I was not progressing and judging from the contractions I was having, I was not in labor. So for whatever reason, Judy falsified my medical records and told my midwife I was laboring, and caused me and my baby to have invasive interventions that were totally medically un-needed.
   26 hours of no sleep and nearly 24 hours with no food. I was sent home and the next day I filed a report against Judy. Thank God my baby handled the hours and hours of random contractions so well.
   So fast forward to the 26th of November. I was having contractions during the day, but nothing noteworthy. E was working from home and by the time he was finishing up, my contractions had become more regular and more painful. I told E and we decided to eat a light dinner, then I'd shower, then we'd take T to my mother-in-law's house, then go to the hospital.
  Once we get to the hospital, my contractions are about every 4-5 minutes. Mostly in my back though. I was taken to the triage area and monitored. I wasn't dilated enough for them to admit me, so they asked if I wanted to walk around a bit since the baby was doing great. I agreed that it was a good idea, so off E and I went to walk around the unit.
   Within about 10 minutes, my contractions were so bad I couldn't talk. So back to the triage area to get checked again. I was 6cm dilated and 90% effaced at that time. They started the admission process. I got my IV for the epidural.
   The contractions were so bad. All back labor. I was crying out in pain and by the time they got me to a room, I could hardly talk at all. E was visibly stressed out, seeing me in so much pain. It was seriously the worst pain I'd ever experienced.
   They decided to go ahead and all the anesthesiologist before my labwork came in because I was in so much pain. When she finally arrived she asked the nurse to check me before she gave me the epidural. I was now 9cm and fully effaced. That's when the anesthesiologist informed me that it was too late for the epidural. I was too dilated. I burst into fresh tears and begged for something... ANYTHING to take the edge off the pain. It was then that my water broke.
   Now, I've heard that when the bag of waters breaks it can feel like a trickle or a little gush. Right. Mine exploded during a contraction. I swear it sprayed a good three feet. Everyone in the room just stopped, a little surprised I guess. The anesthesiologist grabbed her cart and practically ran out of the room.
   I had the urge to push immediately after my water broke. The nurse told me not to push, but my body had other ideas. My midwife wasn't there yet, so because I had such a strong urge to push, they brought in a doctor who happened to be on the floor at the time. No sooner had he put on his gloves and gown was the baby crowning.
   I pushed for about ten minutes and our baby J was born! 20.5 inches long and 8lbs 6oz! His little face was swollen and bruised from his fast entrance to the world, but he was fine otherwise! :-)
   I had planned to breastfeed for the first two weeks to a month. But within 12 hours of giving birth, my emotions went haywire. I was crying over everything, anxious, my mood was changing rapidly. I was so frustrated and sad that once again, it didn't look as though I'd be able to nurse my child.
    E and I discussed my situation, and then talked it over with the nurse. It was decided that I'd call my psychiatrist and get back on my meds immediately.
   Once we got home the anxiety went sky high. I was having massive panic attacks on top of being weepy. My OCD started manifesting itself. I was exhausted and overwhelmed.
   I had flashbacks of the pediatric code I worked in nursing school. A baby who was only a few days old, most likely SIDS. I obsessed over it. Checking J every hour or so at night, just to watch him breathe.
  Then I read that women with bi-polar disorder were more likely to be diagnosed with post-partum psychosis. That really scared me. To the point of not wanting to be left alone with J at all.
   Within a week of being back on my meds, I felt much better. I was in close contact with my psychiatrist and had lots of support from family.
  I'm still a little sad that I wasn't able to nurse beyond that first day, but I know my health is important too. If I'm not ok, there is no way I could take care of J and T (who loves being a big sister, BTW). Mental illness and pregnancy are not friends. But I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat!