Routine

   I'd love to think of myself as spontaneous. But the truth is that I'm a creature of habit. At least in my personal life. My professional life is much different.
   We're cleaning our carpets today. Something we've been meaning to do since Ali (our boxer dog) got into the trash and tracked coffee grounds all over. This happened months ago. But we opted to paint before we cleaned the carpet.
  Anyway, I'm getting off track. So we moved all the furniture out of the living room area and took the dog over to my in-laws house so she can't do any damage by tracking dirt onto still wet carpet. I'm excited about the house looking great with its newly painted walls and clean carpet. But the moving of the furniture has me all anxious. I know we're putting it back... why does it make me so anxious?
   I tend to get anxious whenever something new pops up or a major change is made in my daily routine. It makes me have panic attacks. Sometimes really bad ones.
   Usually I can control the attacks. There are times that they get really bad. The rational part of my brain knows that I'll be fine, but I'll still be pacing the floor thinking I'm going to die. The pressure on my chest builds until I start to hyperventilate. This is usually about the time that I sit down because I'm dizzy. My whole body feels cold. My extremities start to tingle and ache. My thoughts race so fast that I can't make any sense of them. I try not to let my family see me like this. I'll go in the bedroom and perform a self-assessment. "Pulse is slightly elevated, capillary refill in fingertips is under three seconds... I'm oxygenating just fine...." Even with these thoughts repeating in my head, it can take me up to an hour to snap out of it.
    So today I'm anxious and wanting to hide out in the bedroom instead of help. I'm doing laundry in an attempt to normalize today. I always do laundry on Saturday.
   My professional life is the complete opposite of my personal life. As a nurse I've learned to expect the unexpected. I've worked so many different areas... telemetry, med/surg, ER, school nursing, hospice, nursing home, ortho rehab, drug addiction, employee health, home health... that you just learn to go with the flow. Patient comes up from the ER to telemetry and you get report that the patient is "stable"... patient codes within minutes of walking out of his room to get him a urinal? Yup.
   As a home health nurse I've become something like MacGyver. Not getting a seal with that wound vac? Use colostomy paste. Home health nurses can make do with the most basic supplies.
   I'm taking care of patients and shit happens. You never know what to expect. But I think that my ability to handle the craziness is largely due to the fact that I adore my job. Even in nursing school I managed to keep my cool during some stressful situations.
   How is it that I can handle a patient who has a wound that's squirting blood all over the place over having to move furniture to clean the carpets? Go figure. I suppose it's one of those weird oxy-morons you encounter when you have a mental health disorder.