Losing

   I'm having one of those days where I'm just irritated. The dog is irritating me. Work is irritating me. Even the cat who won't get off his butt to cuddle with me is irritating me. Arg.
   I'll probably just put on my walking shoes and take the dog for a brisk walk. Re-direct some of my energy into something good. Otherwise I'll be irritable when I get my daughter from school and when my husband gets home. I want a good family night.
   This time I actually know why I'm irritated. It has to do with my ex. He's just so... aggravating.
   Ok, this is what's going on. He doesn't see T that much and she's always asking me why he doesn't spend more time with her. I struggle to find the right words and she'll usually interject, "He's going to a club, isn't he?". See, back in my late teens and early twenties when I was married to my ex, we used to go to clubs a lot. I'm a goth/industrial girl even to this day. But as I've matured I've toned down. Clubs are no longer something I wish to be a part of. There is too much drinking, drama, and general debauchery. I'm a married woman with a child and a career. Most importantly, I'm an adult. My ex still frequents clubs and is now DJ-ing every now and then. He and his wife are still a big part of that scene. T knows that and feels that her father is picking the party scene over her. Oftentimes I feel this is true.
   So on the weekends where he has to mysteriously "work" or whatever, my husband and I want T to stay with us. The ex usually just lets his parents take T. What he doesn't understand is that while I value the importance of extended family, they really don't have any legal right to see her. So I told my ex that E and I wanted T on the weekends where he doesn't see her. The ex gets aggro and tells me that, "On my weekends she's in my custody. So what she does is up to me during that time frame. If you don't like it take me to court cause its not going to change." I pointed out that to be in his custody she actually has to be with him. If he chooses not to see his daughter on his weekends, I want that time with her.
   I don't know if I'm making sense right now. I'm frustrated and having a panic attack. The king of all panic attacks. I actually had to take my clonazepam.
   My daughter is an extremely bright and observant child. She's very empathetic and she's very good at reading people. It's almost a blessing because she's starting to see her father for what he is. A selfish man who pretends to be a good dad, but is failing. It's a curse because she's hurting because of this. Any mother would agree that seeing their child upset and hurting is difficult. I want to rush in and fix everything. But I can't. This is something I can't shelter her from. All I can do is take her hand and help her through this.
   She's scared of her father. If he gets upset with her he gets in her face and yells at her. She says he never gets upset with his wife. But my daughter says, "But he yells at me and the dogs. He won't yell at I (his wife) because he says she's too pretty to yell at. But he'll yell at the dogs and at me."
   What do I do?